So, I never got around to doing a big father’s day post this year like Ben really deserves, but since men aren’t really into blogs like women, and the chances of him actually reading it are slim, I thought that I would venture out and write something instead, that I believe all of you will appreciate much, much more. If you know my family, then you know just how unique my husband is. I know. Everyone says that. But Ben truly is his own breed….
Ben isn’t extremely sentimental or endearing. Did I just say that? He’s lovable, he’s laughable, but he’s not like super cuddly, squishy, or a ball of flaming love. You get my drift? He’s very masculine, extremely stubborn, hilariously sarcastic, and supremely straightforward. He’s the standard Southern country boy in every way, shape, and form-with a touch more culture than most. I appreciate that about him. I appreciate him for all that he is actually. He isn’t the type of person who will sit down and ask me to tell him my feelings for an hour, followed by a back rub and promises that everything will be okay. He’ll chat with me from under his truck where he’s tightening something with a ratchet or something??? and he’ll stop to tell me the cold-hard-truth. He’s completely and utterly Ben. You gotta love him for it. Perhaps the most enjoyable part of Ben is the verbiage that flies from his mouth. Unfiltered, unadulterated, unabridged. Just good ole’ politically incorrect, honest, brutal statements about everyday life. Laid out below for your viewing pleasure. Proceed with caution. He’s prone to say things that make sensitive people uncomfortable, so if you’re one of those, just move on to the next post. For everyone else, you’re welcome, and feel free to tattle on me the next time that you see him, because this is probably considered complete exploitation. Whoops.
While bathing Hattie:
Ben: Let’s wash your hair.
Ben: If you don’t it’s going to get nasty and fall out
Hattie: I don’t care
Ben: You have lice. Those are bugs you know.
Hattie: I don’t have bugs
Ben: I have to wash them out
Ben: Pretty girls wash their hair
Hattie: Okay, daddy
Ben: How female of you, I should have led with that…
Ben: I know you think you’re getting a spanking, but you aren’t, you’re getting a warning. Do you know what a warning is?
Ben: It comes before a spanking, and it means I really don’t feel like disciplining you right now.
When speaking to his mom about his Dad’s hearing.
Ben: Dad’s hearing is slowly degenerating. He can’t hear anything I tell him.
Ben: …you too apparantly.
Ben: If you’re going to pack my lunch please don’t pack anything gross.
Me: What did I pack you that was gross?
Ben: It would be easier to list what wasn’t gross…no offense. Well, I guess saying no offense doesn’t really help because there’s no way to say that that isn’t offensive. I guess “sorry” will just have to do.
Ben: Let’s play a game and pretend like we’re one of those couples where you boss me around and I listen.
Me: (as I’m unloading the dishwasher and barking out orders) Put this up, NO NOT THERE, on the drying rack. ARE YOU BLIND. Now put up the utensils. DO IT and then go run my water.
Ben: I’m going to run your water because it’s the nice thing to do, but I don’t want to play this game anymore. It almost makes me mad at you for enjoying it that much.
Ben: Did I hurt your feelings? You hurt mine. I would say mine are more hurt, but that would make your feelings hurt more, so I’ll just say we’re hurt equally.
Ben: How do I log into our savings?
After I give him the password..
Ben: That’s a random string of numbers, why did you choose that?
Me: It’s your social security number
Ben:.……am I supposed to just know that or something?
After watching the kids while I ran errands
Ben: We had big problems earlier. Hattie brought me some “tea” in her teacup.
Ben: she drank a cup and handed me the other.
Ben: I discovered that it came from the toilet.
As I’m dressing Hattie to run errands in town with Ben.
Me: Do you think women see you with her and think, “Oh, how sad, the single dad spending time with his little girl”?
Ben: No, but I’m sure they see the big gold band on my left hand and think….irresistible.
The things he asks me to do that he pretends is completely normal:
Can you bring the kids to mom, and then go look on my pipe rack at the shop and bring me that entire flat of tar. I’ll send the address.
Ben: do you have any soap in your car?
Me: I have hand sanitizer
Ben: eh, drunk soap. I’ll take it.
Hattie: I’m cold
Ben: Then don’t be a crackhead and get under the covers
Ben: Amber, I don’t want our kids to be uptight. anyway, when she gets old enough to understand she’s going to think it’s funny too.
Me: want to go see Pitch Perfect 2?
Ben: I’m down like 4 flats with no spare.